Vesti la jubba -- Luciano Pavarotti
Send in the Clowns -- Sarah Vaughn
CAUTION: This post may seem incoherent and confused. People of unsound mind should stop at this point and just listen to the songs.
Once in a while in this mad confusion
we call our short time to preen and strut upon the stage of life, things seem to fit like the final piece of a difficult jigsaw puzzle.
In a gestalten flash your life makes some sense as the final piece
fits into place and the picture emerges. You are stripped to the core, without pretensions, and you must put your complete trust in someone
else's hands. Your very life is in the hands and skills of other
people, most especially the surgeon and the anesthetist.
I consider myself an independent
and self reliant person. I am said to be arrogant and aloof by friend
and foe alike. The former understand that aloofness is a mask I wear
to disguise a rather shy introverted fellow and they accept me as I am. The latter
don't matter. It is easy to be self reliant and independent when your
path runs smoothly (a phenomenon I call the 'Good Time Charlie'
syndrome), but when, through accident, or carelessness, or taking
things and people for granted your path is sundered as if it ran across the direct path of an earthquake, then you must drop the
I-don't-need-anybody mask and accept unconditionally the help that
you do, in fact, need to survive a crisis. Knowing this is both humbling and oddly
liberating.
Openly accepting and acknowledging your vulnerability has the obverse effect, contradictory as it may seem,
of making you stronger since you are multiplying the number of people
in your corner. It goes from the strength of one to the potential
strength of an infinity of others, beginning with your partner and
expanding out from there. You no longer have to be Atlas bearing the
weight of the world on your own shoulders alone. This, I believe, is
the most important lesson I learned from my recent brush with loss of
mobility due to an accident in which I broke my leg in a city that
isn't where I usually live and a language I don't speak. I had to
trust in the goodwill and competence of other people and temporarily
relinquish control of my own life to them. Having no choice I made
the decision without hesitation.
So, what about the clowns?
We all wear different masks in our
interactions with the other (the not I). This is, up to a point,
normal. We don't behave the same way in bed with a lover as we do in
the barber's chair getting a haircut. Should we do so, our behavior
would be considered inappropriate and we would be labeled as,
perhaps, socially incompetent at the very least, insane in the worst
case. So we learn early in life to wear masks. The consequence, in
too many cases, is that we ourselves no longer are aware that we are
wearing a mask and loose touch with the core of our own being. We no
longer know who we really are. We are the clowns.
The night after my release from the
hospital for broken femur surgery, we were scheduled to go to the
opera to see Mascagni's Cavaleria Rusticana and Leoncavallo's
I Pagliacci. I was looking forward to it, but, during supper
at our apartment I began feeling nervous and apprehensive about
venturing out in public the day after my release from the refuge and
safety of the hospital. My normal, pre-epiphany, stance would be to
say nothing and wear the mask of I'm-fine-and-raring-to-go. I
definitely wanted to go, but I didn't want to bear the burden of
pretending, so I told road buddy the truth of what I was feeling. She
simply gave me a nod and pat on the arm of sympathy and understanding
and thus took some of the burden from me and I actually stopped
worrying and felt more confident that I would be able to enjoy the
performances. They were both excellent productions (with a slight edge in favor of Cavaleria); I was just
enthralled by the acting and voice of the mezzo-soprano who sang the role of
Santuzza in Cavaleria Rusticana. But
it was I Pagliacci
that started the train (confusion) of thought that is ending in this post.
I Pagliacci,
(translates as The Comedians or The Clowns) and depicts how the stage
and life blend into tragedy because of the necessity to wear the mask
and put on the show. The main aria Vesti la jubba, (by
Luciano Pavarotti linked above) entraps
the man into wearing the mask rendering him unable to deal with a
love triangle provoked
by a jealous Iago type character.
On a
more happy ending note, I was also reminded of another allusion to
the masking phenomenon. A Stephen Sondheim song that exemplifies and
amplifies the missed and/or crossed signals that pass, out of reach, between, usually, people who belong together but don't realize it
until some crisis or crises occur, and they realize that they have
been the fools themselves. I refer to Send in the Clowns.
One of my favorite versions is
by Sarah Vaughn linked above.