Noilly Prattle: A Pretty Pass . . .

Saturday, December 5, 2015

A Pretty Pass . . .

. . . and an up-to-date Modest Proposal (apologies to Jonathan Swift)

duck and cover - c. 1950s
     Shades of "duck and cover" under your desk in case of a nuclear attack when I was a kid in school in the early days of the Cold War.

bullet proof blankets in attractive red - 2015
        Modern marketing, in the wake of mass shootings, some in elementary and high schools, have come up with the perfect solution for protecting the young—bullet proof blankets. It's no longer crawl under your desk children, it's crawl under your blankie. Leave it to modern marketing to find new ways to part the consumer from his swag. “Don't need a new refrigerator or flat screen TV? How about a nice bright red or blue bullet-proof blankie for your child. Your child deserves nothing but the best in the latest advances in child security.”

        No, this alone won't do. I have a much better idea. . . or two.

.45 Cal Automatic
        I seem to remember some rumblings about the possibility of requiring classroom teachers to be armed after the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut in 2012. I haven't heard whether or not that idea passed into legislation. But, in addition to bullet proof blankets for the children, it might be a good idea to have an armed and target-trained teacher to keep the intruders from coming in, kicking off the bullet proof blankets and shooting the kids while the helplessly/hopelessly unarmed teacher can only watch in horror. But, with Ms. Oakley whipping her .45 Cal Automatic out of the desk drawer and engaging the intruders in a shootout over their heads, the children would be safely huddled under their bullet proof blankets while sharpshooter Ms. Annie dispatches the perps, blows the smoke from the business end of her .45 and calmly continues the Math lesson.

        For real protection for the children, however, bullet proof blankies and sharpshooter teachers are not enough. And here, I'm sure the NRA will be in full 100% support of this idea. In the classroom the armed teacher and bullet proof blankies might turn the trick, but what about on the playground, or walking to and from school or in the school bus? Bullet proof vests are not practical in these non-classroom venues. And unless the teachers are packing heat on their hips, the playground is open territory for would be terrorists. You could arm the school bus drivers on school buses, but it's pretty hard to have a shootout while driving and, anyway, lots of kids (without their bullet proof blankies) would be caught in the crossfire.

Colt Peacemaker Caliber .45
        The logical thing, obviously, is to arm the children themselves for their own self-protection. The Second Amendments rights of adults to bear arms should be extended to the children. Of course, children should not carry weapons without knowing how to use them. Therefore, mandatory target practice must be added to the PE program in all schools from K through 12. All the children would receive a nice Christmas present of a child size working replica of the Colt .45, a hand tooled leather holster to keep it in and a green beret in the same year as they receive their proficiency-with-the-weapon certificate. I would dare any terrorist to set foot in that classroom!

        This idea may sound a bit bizarre, but I'm willing to bet that modern marketing can make this seem the greatest idea since sliced bread. It's all in the packaging. And think of the boon to the arms manufacturers' profits and those of the target-range construction industry and gun shooting trainers. I see a goldmine here. Then we can all sleep peacefully with thoughts of sugar-plum fairies dancing in our heads.  


Anonymous said...

Hit the nail on the head with this post! How far can we take this? I don't think your .45 automatic will do against a whacko with an assault rifle though. Better get the teachers rocket launchers or something equally powerful and destructive.

Noilly Prattle said...

Or, how about machine gun emplacements all around the school and playground?? Those shoulder held rocket launchers are a little clumsy and heavy for the average classroom teacher. . . and they could upset the children huddled under their bullet-proof blankies. They might lose confidence in the effectiveness of the blankie to repel a missile from a rocket launcher I don't think they were designed with missiles in mind.