Murphy's Law says that if anything can
go wrong, it will. On my recent return flights and trains from Boston
to Okayama, Murphy's Law kicked in big time. Anyone who travels a lot
by air will tell you that the best kind of flights are the uneventful
ones. But, once in a while you hit the other kind. And, though I
digress, I simply have to tell you that flying in the United States
has got to be the worst place in which to do it. The system is
antiquated, inefficient, labyrinthine and overcrowded. Security is ridiculously
tedious, burdensome, intrusive, time consuming and probably wouldn't
catch a determined “terrorist”.
Also, a word about low-cost “budget”
carriers with cute sounding names like TrueBlue, Airotica (movie All that Jazz), Southbest
and that one that was contemplating pay toilets and fees for mixed
junk food snacks, Shitbag (credit for that one goes to Conan
O'Brien), you pays your money and you takes your chances.
So, the flight from hell.
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Doubletree by Hilton |
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Beantown by the bay |
I had a flight scheduled at 11:09 from
Logan to JFK. Security lines being what they are in the good ole USA I drove to Boston,
dropped off the rent-a-car the day before my flight and stayed at a
hotel near UMass Boston to give myself enough time to get to the
airport two and half or so hours earlier than departure time the next
morning. The Hilton was a typical mid-range, decent, designer colors, seen-one-you've-seen-'em all hotel. Nice thing about it was you could
walk along the beach that was about half a kilometer behind the
hotel, which I did after checking in in the late afternoon.
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nice way to spend a Sunday afternoon |
So far so good.
I boarded the hotel shuttle that left
the hotel on the dot at 8 a.m. and arrived at Logan in plenty of
time. I started to queue up in a long line for Jet Blue and noticed
that the other people already seemed to have boarding passes and I
asked someone where he got it. He informed me about the electronic
check in machines. So, I went back to Square 1 and did the electronic
check-in thingie where nothing is touched by human hands. The machine
kindly found my reservation and spit out a paper boarding pass. I
started to go back to the previous line but noticed that a sign said
“baggage drop off”, so, smart boy that I am, I reasoned to myself
that I had no bags to check in so I probably didn't need to waste any time in
this particular line. On a hunch, I walked to another long queue
(about half a kilometer long) that turned out to be the security
check line—the right line for people with only carry on.
After the usual
take-almost-everything-off-and-put-everything-in-the-plastic-trays,
walk through the full-body scanner (hopefully in good shape for your
close-up), put everything back on and/or repack, head for the
departure gate, realize you forgot your crutch, go back, breathe a
sigh of relief when you find it still there, pick it up and then, at
last, proceed to the departure “lounge” in plenty of time for
your flight.
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the little airplane that couldn't |
After priority boarding (remember the
crutch?) and seated on the aircraft (they don't call them airplanes
any more) the flight attendant casually announces that because of a
“leak” we have to deplane. As I was leaving I asked, more or less
mockingly, what was leaking? She shrugged and said: “I don't know.”
Return to the “lounge”, and after the
usual formulaic apologies and we're-trying-to-fix-the-problem and
thank-you-for-your-patience and we'll-keep-you-updated and
please-don't-ask-me-any-questions-I-can't-answer and more apologies, the look and smell of anxiety escalating to panic about missed
connections begins. Then the dreaded announcement: “Your attention
please, ladies and gentlemen, the good news is we found the leak, the
bad news is we don't have a replacement part here and will have to
fly one in from New York—where they have one. We are sorry but this
plane ain't gonna get off the ground. We are going to try to find
another plane to replace it—but who knows. Thank you for your
patience and understanding." Now in full panic mode people queue up to
get evasive answers and lots of clicking of computer keys—yours
truly included.
I had a 3 o'clock connecting flight
from JFK to Osaka. Around noon there was an announcement that they
had arranged for another flight leaving from another gate so
everybody started heading for the new gate with renewed hope. Of
course, once arrived at the new gate, there was still no aircraft at
the end of the loading tunnel. We waited a while longer until a
chirpy voice announced that your flight has landed and will soon
arrive at the gate; thank you again for your patience and
cooperation. We finally boarded the new aircraft and left the gate
after 1 p.m. with assurances that we could get to JFK by 2 p.m. and
that “it was feasible that I could make my 3 o'clock connection with the caveat that 'it's New York, you know' and if there are no hitches
with Murphy's Law”. Cute!
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the big airplane that could, turbulently |
After landing at JFK a little after 2
o'clock I sprinted (carrying the crutch) what seemed like at least a
kilometer from the Jet Blue arrival gate to the Airtrain that
connects the 8 terminals at JFK. Fortunately, the train went backwards
from Gate 5/6 to 4 saving me precious seconds. Got off the Airtrain,
took the wrong escalator down to Arrivals, spun around and retraced
my steps, took the escalator up to international Departures, asked
where China Airlines check in was, raced there to the other end of
the building, saw all the check in windows empty except one, went
there and almost out of breath and extremely stressed explained about
the mess at Logan and asked if I could still make the flight.
The staff at China Airlines were
wonderful, efficient and professional. They knew about the Jet Blue
screw up and quickly checked another guy and me in and escorted us
through the front of the security queue and got us to the departure
gate in time for boarding—which turned out to be delayed for half
an hour. I kid you not.
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the view from the back seat |
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the barely visible green line is the flight path (great circle route) |
The non-stop flight from JFK to Osaka
is a very long one, some 14 hours flying over Canada, Alaska, Sakhalin approaching Japan from the northeast. On top
of the long hours, movies, airline survival food and sleeping pills, this
flight was unusually turbulent, the turbulence being enhanced by
sitting in the first to the last row in the aircraft. But we finally
landed at Osaka's Kansai International Airport around 7 p.m. when
some kind of allergy kicked in where I started sneezing and my nose
and eyes started leaking and no handkerchief.
The last straw of this memorable day
was that the usual train from the airport to Shin-Osaka Shinkansen
(bullet train) station was out of service due to heavy rain.
Fortunately, a more local and time consuming train was running but
required a change of trains. I finally arrived back home at 11 p.m.
where road buddy was waiting to pick me up and drag home the remains.
Took two Ibuprofen, a sleeping pill and an allergy pill and conked
out.
Hell hath no fury like an eventful flight.